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I'm Calling Bullshit
It's not personal, it's just responsible.
You know I love you and all, but when I read that story in your last letter about your witch nose and the 18 bone-grafting operations, I’m sorry, but I had to call Bullshit.
You know Bullshit, right? Bullshit McNamara. Short guy. Works in finance. ONLY drinks beer. He's an old friend of mine from Primary School who I call when people tell me things that don't sound true. He's always had this really good radar for liars. You'd love him actually. He’s had the most amazing life.
Like, for example, when he was 22, he was playing beach cricket with his mates and one of the selectors from the Australian Cricket Team happened to be there and saw him playing and was apparently BLOWN AWAY (his words) by his NATURAL ABILITY (also his words). The selector apparently walked right up to Bullshit and offered him a spot on the Australian side! Seriously. Bullshit literally flew to Sydney the next morning, played FOR AUSTRALIA and hit 135 off 56 and then took 9/23 with the ball. IN THE SAME GAME! THEN, one day later he called a press conference and retired from the sport even though Cricket Australia offered him the captaincy and "silly money" to keep playing. But Bullshit just couldn’t be assed (my words). He was more interested in going to Paris with his then girlfriend Heidi Klum. Wild, right?Bullshit and Heidi (Klum) dated for 3 years (Seal had no idea) but he eventually had to break it off with her because he promised Wesley Snipes (WESLEY SNIPES!) that he'd get him jacked for Blade and wanted to focus 100% of his attention on that. When he told me all this I was all like, “Why would you break up with Heidi Klum!? She’s Heidi Klum!” But apparently Heidi told Bullshit he was spending way too much time talking to Wes (ley Snipes), and not enough time with her. So she pleaded Bullshit for 5% of his time but Bullshit rolled his eyes and said, “Sorry Heidi Klum, there’s no such thing as 105%”.
And just like that it was over. The way Bullshit tells it, it’s like he didn’t even care! He just walked out of their MANSION (his words (word)) and never spoke to her again. I mean, that’s just one example but that is claaaassic Bullshit!
Anyway, Cricket Australia were so pissed off that he retired, they had all records of the match deleted from existence so now you can't even google it! He said that even if you ask any of the players, commentators or officials from the match, they'll all claim it never even happened because they’re still so bitter about it. Bullshit’s got plenty of incredible stories like that. You gotta meet him, Hame!
So anyway, when I sent Bullshit your letter and the “long story” (really funny wordplay btw) about the witch nose bone-grafting operations, guess what... he said it's definitely true! Then he told me he had a similar thing happen to him when he was 14! Isn’t that a crazy coincidence? But get this, it wasn't 18 operations. Bullshit was like, “Ry, I wish it was only 18 operations!” Hame, it was 50! 50 Bone-grafting operations in one year! 18 is still a lot obviously but 50 is way more, don’t you think?! Anyway, sorry for doubting you man. My bad.
Now, just to tidy up a few of those loose ends from the end of your last letter...
Yes, I WAS involved in two hostage situations before I was 20. But thankfully I wasn’t the hostage. I was the hostage taker. Both times. I know, sounds reckless, but after school I went through a hostage-taking phase but got busted on the second “take” and had to do 5 years in the slammer. I probably won’t do it again because of my social anxiety, but YOU would seriously love it. You’re so great with people!
Ugh, and you heard about the pool debacle did you? What a nightmare. Basically the pool company emailed me to ask how deep I wanted our new pool to be. In my reply, I THOUGHT I wrote 2m, but my finger must’ve slipped while pressing the ‘m’ key and I accidentally wrote 2km. We were away while they were installing it so I didn’t catch it in time. But when we got home we had a 5m x 3m x 2km pool. It was already filled with water (don’t even start me on the water bill that month) so we didn’t realise the depth issue straight away. But when the invoice came through I queried why the final price ended up being 5000% higher than the original quote and that’s when I put two and two (km) together and it all made sense. Anyway we ended up having to subdivide the block and sell the house to pay for the pool and now we live in a submarine about 50m below sea level. In the pool obviously. I know, it sounds like the perfect setup, but we can’t get Foxtel so we’ll probably have to sell it and buy a non-submarine (house).
So nice to hear from you mate. Can’t wait to hear what you’ve been up to over summer.
P.S. Errol has been answering my phone because he’s my new personal assistant! I’ve never had a personal assistant before but I know you’ve had hundreds of them. Actually, in your opinion, what are the Top 5 Things To Keep In Mind When Hiring A Personal Assistant?